I'm happier since I allowed myself not to be perfect. I may show some of my weaknesses in public and make jokes about them. I may sing karaoke and be happy, even when I can't sing well. I may speak English and German without feeling afraid that I'm disgracing the language. I may wear those trousers I like, even though they're kitsch and out of style. And if you don't like the way I look, well, I just don't give a damn.
But especially, I've tried to allow myself --just a little bit-- to let the people I like know that I like them. I've always had so many problems with that. I was so afraid of showing a complete attachment to someone, because it would mean that I was vulnerable and could be hurt anytime they wanted. (The thing is that I am so transparent that I could never appear cold. What I looked was just plain schizo, suddenly wanting the person's company more than anything and suddenly not calling for days, even weeks.)
I think I may have even gone a little too far with this, but it's what I need now. If the people I like don't want my company, for any reason, it's fine; just let me know. But it's not a sin to show that I also need to be loved and cared about. It's not a sin to want to talk with somebody, to enjoy the time spent with him/her, to miss her/him, even to lust after her/him. It's the most common thing in the world. And it doesn't necessarily make you a better target for being hurt. But, mostly, I need to really understand this: it's not a sin.
Posted by Elenis at February 17, 2008 8:33 PMBut it's not a sin to show that I also need to be loved and cared about. It's not a sin to want to talk with somebody, to enjoy the time spent with him/her, to miss her/him, even to lust after her/him. It's the most common thing in the world. And it doesn't necessarily make you a better target for being hurt. But, mostly, I need to really understand this: it's not a sin.
Exactly.
Posted by: Betta at February 18, 2008 12:44 AMI read you sometimes, but I don't comment because.... well, you know, because most of the times I don't really know what you're talking about (even when I really enjoy reading about it) and the others I'm too busy enjoying the pleasure of being a lurker.
But I've felt really identified with this entry, so , I want to thank you for reminding me that it's not a sin. We all need sometimes someone to say it to us: It's not a sin. Sounds SO well...
PS: Perdona mi inglés, pero como tú escribes en inglés me siento casi obligada a comentar en el mismo idioma... xDD
Posted by: Riatha at February 19, 2008 12:41 AMI still have very, very, very serious issues with myself regarding this matter. I completely understand you.
*hugs*
Posted by: Fer at February 19, 2008 9:16 AMI also identify with this entry! I've been dealing with some feelings of rejection lately... A part of me is very cynical and I tell myself I'm better off being a solitary person and never getting to close to anyone. But honestly, I think human relationships is all we have, and we can't be scared of being hurt. We need to let go of resentment, bitterness and self-blame. I'd be nothing without my friends and family, so I don't know why I hold back so much...
Seems we're all grappling with similar issues; I hope we can all eventually overcome them.
Posted by: KC at February 23, 2008 2:37 PMI think we're evolving in a parallel way, dear. I'm learning very similar things lately, such as "it's ok to admit I need affection" and stuff. And I think it's one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned :)
Posted by: Deira at February 26, 2008 4:13 PM